Thursday, August 9, 2018

The State of Will - August 10, 2018

Will's in a good place currently.  Had a bit of a health scare, but it was/is most likely nothing, but I was a bit off kilter there for a week or so.

Work is going extremely well.  We have a very good team, I believe in our business model and what we're doing, and each day is actually a joy to go into the office.  As usual the worst part is the drive.  This is the fifth and final week that Kaylee has been in Summer Camp, which is actually next door to the office, so she's been coming in and going home with me, and that has made the drive much more palatable.

Speaking of Kaylee, she starts 7th grade next Tuesday.  I can't believe how fast she's growing up.  She'll be 12 in October!  I finally got enough dough to get her her own phone.  Heh...I just wrote 'her her'.  Not sure how long she'll be at her current school, but at least this is the first time since 4th grade that she'll be returning to the same school from the previous year. 

Ya know, there's a good reason why it's awesome to rewatch a show you've already seen all of? I've been rewatching M*A*S*H from the beginning for the last couple weeks. I'm midway through Season 3, and of course the early years are the best and funniest. The thing is, I'm actually really enjoying Klinger AND Father Mulcahy this time around, when they were two of my least favorite characters previously. I'm actually thinking I may enjoy Charles at this point, having already grown tired of Frank. Whereas previously I felt Frank was a superior foil for Hawkeye and Trapper (later BJ). Actually in these early episodes HAWKEYE is actually starting to get on my nerves.

Maybe it's also my age showing too, but I find I relate to these characters a bit more than when I was in my youth. Maybe because I'm a father now, and I can't imagine what it would be like to be away at war away from my family.

The laugh track is extremely annoying. The dynamic between the Swampmen and Henry is pretty awesome, and they don't really run roughshod over him as much as one might think they did. Radar isn't nearly as annoying as he'll become. He was probably the first instance of "Flanderization".

Also knowing that the end is coming for Henry soon, is kind of sad.

I'll check in again in a few seasons with more thoughts.

Friday, June 1, 2018

It's June, time for another post right?

5 months to the day after my last post, I'm still here.

Working for WeRecover, still contracting but getting hired on permanently next month.  Job is great, new office is great, commute to said office not so great.  It's only 20 miles from my house to the office, but this is Los Angeles, and 20 miles means 90 minutes of driving.  IF I'm LUCKY!

One day a couple weeks ago it took me, I'm not kidding four and a half hours to get home.  There was a crash on the 405 freeway about an hour before I left work and by the time I did the bottleneck on the freeway had spilled over to ALL of the alternate routes over the hills.  I ended up stuck in Westwood trying an alternate route, and spent a good hour moving literally one quarter of a mile.

Most days though the traffic is bearable, I just listen to the radio and try to enjoy the weather.  I seriously try not to complain about traffic in LA, it's so cliche.

So Kaylee is off to Utah next week for a good 2-3 weeks.  She'll spend time with her Grandmother and her Mother and I will get a nice break, which I so desperately need.

My new years resolution lasted all of about two weeks.  As much as I'd like to write every day, I just can't seem to keep myself to a set schedule.  I'm not running out of ideas thankfully, just time and energy.  By the time I get home if I'm in the office, I'm exhausted.  If I'm staying home to work I feel like I need to focus on the actual work.  Even still I may start writing a novelized version of the year 1997 since I keep thinking about it and there's stories to be told.

meanwhile I plod along, day by day.  Sometimes hour by hour.

I did finally make it to the doctor earlier this week, I go back in a few weeks to get bloodwork results and I get to see a therapist on Tuesday so that's a plus.

All in all, life isn't bad.  Could be better, could be worse.

Monday, January 1, 2018

My New Years Resolution

Is to write more.  Yes, that's my New Year's Resolution.  I need to work on my writing more.  I have a novel that I started and it's sitting on my old hard drive that crashed.  I have thought more about the story since I last saw it and a full rewrite would be fine at this point.  "The Void Queen's Wrath" shall live again.  Soon.

The daughter made it way past midnight this year, she is now 11 after all and that's about the age I remember staying up late on New Years.  I distinctly remember right before my 11th birthday, our first New Year's in San Diego being allowed to stay up late and watching the Rolling Stones Documentary about Altamont, "Gimme Shelter."  To say that was a seminal moment of my childhood would be an understatement.

Sunday, December 24, 2017


Christmas Eve, 2017
You know, I've just about had it with the Holidays this year. Thank god it's over tomorrow. Really not feeling very Christmasy, sure it's slightly better than last year and 2018 looks good for us so far, but I have a bratty child (who I might add is having her first period this week, but that doesn't excuse the consistent behavior issues) who I have implored to clean up her room and start going through her toys.  She’d rather just sit around and watch TV or do nothing.  So I sent her to her room.

I’m really not feeling it this year yet again.  I’m not sure I ever will feel in the Christmas spirit ever again.  So much of the holiday in the past was wrapped up in how Melissa felt about it, and how she would try to make the best of it when we had nothing.  And when we had something it was even better.  Too many reminders of Christmas trips to Orem, or Las Vegas back in the day. 

Tomorrow I have nothing planned.  I can’t go to my Mom’s because they're all sick.  At least I have presents for Kaylee.

I’ve been working as much as I have been able to do so.  My groin are was feeling better this week so I didn’t go to DPSS last Monday like I said I was going to.  I postponed until Wednesday when I’d be on the West Side for my weekly work meeting, but that got cancelled.  So I didn’t go at all.  If I can last another month or so maybe I’ll get hired and get benefits so I won’t have to go.  When that’s your best case scenario, shit is fucked.  This is all because I still have no Medi-Cal benefits.  I called and spent over an hour on the phone trying to find out why and they said I had to go into DPSS which is on the West Side.

Melissa can’t come see Kaylee tomorrow because the car that she and her friend bought still isn’t working right and they don’t have any other transportation.  She asked if I would bring Kaylee to her, and I ranted that I wasn’t about to do anything for anyone right now and that’s how I started writing this entry.

So let’s take stock of where we’re at right now shall we?
I’m working full time on a project that is supposed to end at the end of the month, which is on Friday of this week.  Fortunately the CEO likes me and wants to keep me on board as admin or office manager or some other role.  Not really sure, but it looks like I’ll have gainful employment for at least January (1 month trial he said).  I can pay my own rent in January, and my bills if I continue to work full time.  With this next paycheck and a little more from the one I should get the first week of January rent is paid.  Also Mom said she'd send her to day camp and we decided on the first week of January, so that's a plus.

My lease goes month-to-month on the first as well, so I can move with a 30 day notice, which is good because I may need to move back to the West Side if this becomes permanent employment.  Of course I’ll still need help with the lease situation wherever I move to.  But it’s a start.  I’d like to get out of here and leave the bugs behind.
Kaylee has attended school for 5 days in December due to the weird fires that happened earlier this month.  This has put a huge strain on me personally because having her around means I’m distracted and cannot function at a maximum rate of speed.  Also means I have to deal with feeding her two more meals a day, and keeping her occupied while I try to work, which is not an easy task.

She got her first period on Wednesday of this last week, it’s Sunday now and she’s still bleeding I think.  I’m so frustrated with her though, it makes me see red.  She didn’t save any of her allowance money to buy me or anyone else any Christmas presents and didn’t even think about it.  When she went with my Mom and Nicole and Lana on Wednesday to get fitted for her first bras, I went and bought her Christmas presents because I wasn’t going to have the time to do so later.  I wrapped them and put them under our little Christmas tree and that’s ALL she has been focusing on for the last several days.  I get it, she’s still a kid, but she has no consideration for me or anyone else right now and that has me feeling terrible.

We just went to the grocery store, she wanted a Hot Wheels Peanuts car (Sally I think) and I bought it for her, because I was hoping she’d take her allowance and try to buy something for me or her mom.  Nope.  Didn’t even cross her mind.

We get back and I try to eat my lunch and start working, and she asks if she can turn on the TV, and I said I guess, but I’d rather you go in and clean your room or organize your toys like I’ve been asking.  She thinks a second and then says “what do you want to watch?”  AND that’s when I lost it.  If I had wanted to watch TV I would have turned it on myself Kaylee.  I’m trying to work right now and I don’t care what you watch, but if you don’t have anything in mind, then get up and go in your room and clean it up like I’ve been telling you to do. 

Then I started ranting about how much of a spoiled brat she’s been all week, that she hasn’t been thinking of anyone but herself, that she has done the bare minimum over the last several weeks and how disappointed I am with her.  If she's not on her tablet, it's her computer.  Unless I ban her from both, then and only then does she do something constructive.

I’ve failed as a parent.  I’ve failed as a husband.  I’ve failed as a human being.  Right now I just feel like a fucking failure.  I know why there are so many suicides around the holidays.  Holidays suck.  I don’t want to hear any Christmas music.  I don’t want to watch any Christmas specials or movies.  I just want it to be over already.  I want to get back to work on my project which is kicking my ass and stressing me out. 

Even my poor cat is stressing me out.  It started when I decided to get a cheap screen door ($10 – the mesh magnetic kind you see on tv) and let Oliver outside every so often.  I got him a collar with a name tag so he wouldn’t get lost.  He got irritated with the collar so much that he started scratching all around his head and neck to the point where he looked terrible.  So I bought him a cone of shame and he’s been in it for the last couple weeks.  He’s almost all healed up, but he persists on trying to scratch his head through the plastic cone and makes a terrible noise at all hours of the night.  That’s when he’s not all over me for affection. 

So yeah, humbug.  The only good thing about tomorrow is I get to watch Peter Capaldi as Doctor Who one more time. 

Monday, November 13, 2017

Everyone Needs a Good Cry Every Now and Then

The last two years since October 2015 have been the hardest in my entire life.  Even the six months during the time between when my father was diagnosed with Lung Cancer and the day he passed away weren't this bad, but then again I was only 16 at the time and that was now 30 years ago.

I'll be 47 in January.  Sooner than later I'll be divorced.  I'm now a single father.  I get no help whatsoever from my daughter's mother because she's off doing her own downward spiral into oblivion.

I decided a few months ago that I would try to live without pharmaceuticals for awhile, just to see how I would react and cope.  I'd been on one anti-depressant or another (or two) since I was diagnosed with a "fatty-liver" shortly after my 30th birthday.  At first it was Effexor, then Lexapro, finally a combo of Lexapro and Welbutrin.  While I do technically have health insurance, and the meds were actually free toward the end there, my doctor of over a decade doesn't take MediCal and wouldn't renew my scripts anymore unless I came to see him, and since I can't afford an out-of-pocket office visit, well, I let the scripts run out.

I'm not sure how long it takes for the molecules to actually leave my body.  It's been at least a few months, I stopped taking them over the Summer.  The first couple weeks were bad, but after that it got better.  I feel "normal", whatever that means.  I don't feel like my head is in the clouds anymore, but I do feel very emotional.

I cry daily.

I'm not ashamed of that.  I've always "worn my emotions on my sleeve".  Whether it's anger or love, annoyance or glee, it comes out of me quite easily.

I'm over her.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point.  I no longer love her.  I no longer want to reconcile.  I just want her out of my life permanently.  I don't want to think about her.  I don't want to know what she's doing.  I don't care about her anymore.  And yet, I do.  Because she's still my daughter's mother, and my daughter deserves a mother. 

Maybe the anti-depressants blocked my ability to feel emotions for too long.  Maybe they've all been percolating under the surface of my psychic coffee maker.  (Speaking of which I need Coffee).  In any case, they're all coming out now.  I feel things with great intensity currently.  When I get angry, I get very angry.  When I get sad, I get very sad.  Is this the depression?  Is this emotional roller-coaster manic level material?  Or is it just my body readjusting to a new paradigm of not having pharmaceuticals in it?  Because beyond some ibuprofin for a headache, or sleep medication, I'm really not taking any drugs.

So I continue.  With daily sob sessions.  I'm often reminded of Holly Hunter's magnificent performance in the movie "Broadcast News" where her character takes a few minutes every morning to have a real crying jag before buttoning it up and becoming a professional bad-ass who runs the news room like the Joint Chiefs on a black ops mission.  Maybe this is what I need to do.  I'll give it a shot.  With the interweb tunnelz it's not hard to find stuff to give you "teh feelz".

This morning it was a video about a woman who was depressed and sitting on a park bench, and who had a life-changing moment when given the gift of a flower.  Yup, after seeing that, I bawled.  Then I went searching for more stuff to make me cry.  And now I'm writing this.  In a moment I'll get up and make some coffee and do a little work.  I'll go shower (because I need one I'm stinky) and head out to the bank to get a new ATM card and maybe do a little exploring before coming home for more work.

Kaylee's been sick the last few days and we've both been cooped up in the house, so cabin fever is definitely here.

You know what, maybe I'll take my laptop with me, go to the coffee house and work there for a change.  Yup, that's what I'll do.

In any case, let's see how tomorrow goes before I start crying again.  But feeling how I feel right now I wouldn't be surprised if there was another bout of teardrops later today.

But it's all good.  Because this is life and I'm living no matter what.

Friday, June 23, 2017

Shameless Plug - Back my Friend's Board Game Kickstarter

Come on, it's called Starship Awesome 3000!  It's a space themed board game that my buddy Matt Chapman, whom I used to work with at created and has put on Kickstarter.  I was backer #1!  It's only $45 for a full game, which these days is a bargain.

Come on you know you want to join me.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

May 18 and June 10 SUCK

Preface:  My father was born May 18, 1947 and died June 10, 1987.

This has been a very very frustrating day, as it usually is (June 10 is usually just as bad if not worse, I quit Mid America on June 10, and that wasn't even the worst day). the LITTLEST things will set me off when I feel like this, and I've already had two meltdowns. I try so hard to keep it bottled up and inside, but on this day it's too difficult. My emotions are all messed up, my head is pounding. I'm not looking for advice, I'm just trying to vent. I'll be OK in the morning.

Doesn't matter what I do. If I stay home by myself and hide it's worse. SO I try to be busy and not think about it, but of course the news about Chris Cornell didn't help. Roger Ailes I could give a fuck about, Cornell I appreciated. And I wasn't busy at all with work.

After work I pick up Kaylee and we go to TRU to pick up a couple more pieces for our Hot Wheels sets (<$10, don't judge). We get back, the pieces I picked up don't work the way I had hoped so that's a bummer. Then we go swimming. The water is very very cold, but it's been pretty hot, so I go in for a few, come out, read my book while Kaylee is swimming. I'm almost to the end of this book and it's a techno-thriller page-turner so I'm pretty into it, and I want to finish. I even tell Kaylee that, still managing to go in a couple more times (I like to go in, get wet, come out dry off, rinse repeat). Her new friend Joceyln comes home and she invites her into the pool to play.

NOW, don't get me wrong, I'm so very very glad that Kaylee has made a friend in the complex to play with. They get along and that's the important part. But Jocelyn is a motor-mouth who babbles constantly. I mean CONSTANTLY. After a few minutes my patience is wearing thin with her. But she's a kid and I"m an adult and I need to manage better, plus she's Kaylee's only friend nearby. Even still I have to actually tell her at one point that I'm trying to read and that she's being very distracting (she was sitting right next to me).

Eventually Jocelyn gets permission to go into the pool, and she kind of does, but then Kaylee splashes her, she whines. And I LOOOOSE it. I had told Kaylee when we got into the pool that we were not splashing today. And apparently it went in one ear and out the other. Between the constant babbling, my wanting to be left alone to read and just my overall malaise I snap. I tell Kaylee to get out of the pool to go inside and that she was grounded for the rest of the afternoon. Now my intention wasn't to actually ground her, I just didn't want Jocelyn coming over asking Kaylee to come play later. I actually even explain as much on the way back home. Kaylee sits and reads while I try to finish my book. Out the window i can see Jocelyn still at the pool, and I start to feel bad, so I tell Kaylee she can go back out to the pool and that when Jocelyn asks about the grounding, just tell her "don't worry about it."

So she does. And I'm left in heavenly silence for a time. And I read. Kaylee comes back and we read together. She asks what time is it, since we don't have a clock, I guess I should get one. It's after five so she asks if she can watch TV (we have a no Tv before 5 PM rule on school nights.) After I finish the book I consent. She makes me corn dogs. All is well.

Fast forward to about 7:45 pm. She's watched nothing but Steven Universe, most of which we've already seen. I decide to remake my bed and pick up the room, and that's when I start to lose my shit again. I have to ask her to move not once but twice because she's in the way of me remaking the bed. Once I get started my ire starts flowing pretty big time. The house is a mess and she's left stuff all over the room even though I have reminded her plenty of times that her things belong in her room. I don't have a room, she does now, and her stuff needs to stay there. I'm sweeping up errant cat litter from the floor, which is her job, she gets an allowance and as chores all she has to do is clean the cat box, take the trash out, feed Oliver in the morning and sweep up the cat litter when it gets dirty. I have to remind her to do each and every one of these things.

I get it, she's 10. But this is going on months now. She has to be reminded to brush her hair and teeth every single morning. Even this morning, I woke her up at 7 am and made her get into the shower so that I could shower and we could get to school on time. We were late. She didn't brush her teeth and she lied to me when she said she did. I cannot abide lying from her. I will not stand for it. Her mother is a pathological liar, and I will not tolerate that behavior any longer.

So I melt down.


She's in bed now, and I just now went in to talk to her about what happened. I acknowledged that my behavior wasn't appropriate in that it wasn't necessarily her fault why I was so upset. And I apologized. And she says to me "I thought you said apologies don't mean anything." Touche. I've been saying that for a while because that's one of the things I learned working with Haven Pell at FunnelSource. Don't apologize, just do better next time. Saying sorry is a useless phrase. And it is. Acknowledging your behavior and striving to do better is more important. Being sorry isn't. I can't take it back. I said it. And some of it I meant. Especially the parts that I've had to repeat over and over ad nauseum.

It's like with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. She's still bringing up shit from the past that happened so long ago and that we've gone over so many times that it's a broken record. She can't get over shit from the past. It's why our marriage has failed. Now when she brings it up I tune out because it's no longer relevant. I'm done apologizing. I can't change what happened. Get over it.

I wish I could just "get over" my father passing. I never will though. I miss him daily. In many ways I blame his death on my lack of ability to really become an adult because in an instant I had to grow the fuck up. When you're on the phone with your Grandmother (who you can't stand in the first place) and you have to tell her that she needs to drive from LA to San Diego as soon as she can if she wants to see her son before he dies, and your'e 16, you go straight from being a kid to being an adult, and there's no looking back. In many ways I'm trying to recapture my youth because I feel like I lost a lot of it in one fell swoop.

And then I didn't have my Dad there in my 20's and 30's to guide me. One thing I've never really told anyone, he never taught me how to shave. I wasn't shaving when he died. Every time I have to shave I think about that. EVERY TIME.

I've had more than a few surrogate father figures in my time too, and they all filled one niche or another, but it's not the same. When I have needed my Dad the most he wasn't there.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope it's a good one.