Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Why am I so Emotional?

Males are taught, mostly by their fathers, not to show emotion.  At least in Western Culture that's the paradigm.  I don't remember my father crying much, the rare occasions that I did were important and I remember them vividly.  The day John Lennon died in December 1980 was one such moment.

I've cried a lot over the last year.  Over a great many things.  My marriage, my being alone, the emotions that come over me when watching something particularly filled with gravitas on TV, and sometimes just being with my beautiful daughter makes me cry.

I've been thinking about death a lot this year.  Sometimes wishing it would come to me to end this cycle of pain.  I won't lie, I wanted to die on more than one occasion this year.  I thought about killing myself.  I planned on how to do it.  But I didn't go beyond that.  I have a lot to live for.  I have a daughter who relies on me to be her Daddy, and I want to see her grow up.  I couldn't take my own life and cause the huge amount of emotional pain to my loved ones.

My path is not clear.  But it certainly seems to be better than the alternative.  So I sally forth.

Really I'm OK.

I'm hanging in.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Farewell to 2016

I can honestly say that 2016 was the worst year of my entire life.  So many negatives happened this year that makes my previous worst year (1987, the year my Father Gene Noetling died) pale in comparison.

So for those of you catching up, here's a brief recap of just my personal woes:

*  My marriage ended up in separation and we're now divorcing leading to severe depression that I needed to have weekly therapy to get over.
*  We ended up getting evicted, losing the trial even though we had solid evidence that the landlords failed to follow the statute of the law and should not have been
*  I moved into a shit-hole of a house that needed to be condemned and is actually now being torn down.  The best part was that it was 5 minutes from my job.  Actually that was the only good part.
*  Our daughter was supposed to go live with her Mom at the beginning of the separation ended up spending the last few months of her 4th grade year with my Mom and Step-Father (though this isn't necessarily a bad thing per se)
*  I was laid off from my job on July 1, and have not been able to get reemployed
*  Our daughter had to come live with me full-time after 2 weeks with her Mom and 3 weeks with her Grandmother in Utah.  Again, not that this is a bad thing per se, I love having her with me.
*  My daughter and I were forced to move from our shithole house when it turned out the landlord wanted to tear it down. Finding a new place was two months of stress and worry.

With all that out of the way, Kaylee and I are now in a new apartment in North Hollywood, and Kaylee has her own bedroom for the first time ever in her life.  Yes, that means I sleep in the living room, but it was important to me that Kaylee's needs are taken care of first at this critical stage in her life.  She just turned 10 and I can sense that puberty is not far off.  She's even starting to wear sports-bras.

My unemployment insurance is running out next month, but my family is supporting us for the time-being.  The first part of Kaylee's 5th grade was done at California Virtual Academy online, but now she's going to go back to regular school near our residence, so I can actually go job searching in earnest.  I'm confident that a new gig will come shortly and if nothing else I can always drive delivery or Uber/Lyft.

I'm not even going to comment on all the negatives that happened in the rest of the world, with all the celebrities passing away and Brexit/US Election nonsense.  I'm still hopeful that 2017 will be better.  It's not like it can get worse.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Kiki would love to play with your parrots Yves...

“I’m not good with machines, they frighten me.”  Joan Frost says to Bill Lee in David Cronenberg’s adaptation of William Burroughs “Naked Lunch.”  I tend to agree.  I wish I had a typewriter.  I pour myself another rum and coke and then Rosa Klebbs is on the screen denigrating Judy Davis for sleeping with Peter Weller.

I wish I were on more hallucinogenic drugs.  I haven’t done any hallucinogenic drugs in almost 20 years.  I’ve been on them before sure, many times.  I used to like drugs, and drugs have always liked me.  I am unapologetic in this concern.  However, I am not completely and utterly irresponsible.  I will not endanger my daughter.  I will not imbibe certain substances in her presence.  Nor have I done so.  Nothing here that I write can be used in a court of law against me.  I don’t even have a medical marijuana prescription currently.

I’m watching film thinking back to the first time I’d watched it, the last time I’d watched it, back in 1991 upon its release, if I recall correctly, at an art-house theater in San Diego.  I’m quite sure I didn’t understand it then, never having read a word of Burroughs writing, and I’m quite sure I don’t understand it now.  I’ve watched two other films today, having sent my 10 year old daughter off to her mother for a pre-Thanksgiving party as previously agreed upon, and have gotten quite, unrepentantly drunk on Trader Joes Rum of the Gods. 

This is an unusual feeling for me.  I haven’t been alone, childless for very long.  And I am utterly alone currently.  My other roommates have moved on, this house destined to be torn down as soon as I deign to leave.  We will be the last residents of 1645 Stoner Avenue.  Not that this is a bad thing, this house needs to be condemned and destroyed.  It is infested with bad memories and other…things…things I’d rather not commit to words.  Suffice to say the theme of the film I’m currently watching is completely apropos.  Earlier this year I was more alone, I came home every night from work to an empty room, save for my cat Oliver.  Later Kaylee came to stay with me, and I had no work, and she was always here with me, save for the very rare occasions her mother takes her for a night, or she stays with her Grandmother.  Those occasions are somewhat rare indeed.   

Being alone is new to me again.  It shouldn’t be.  I am an only child.  I am used to being alone.  In many ways I need to be alone.  I am truly myself when I am alone.  There is no one else to put on a character for, I don’t have to be someone I am not.  I can be myself.  I don’t have to impress other people.  I don’t have to be “Daddy” or “ex-husband” or even “son”.  I can simply be “Will.”  On these occasions, I don’t really want to be anyone else.  I just want to be myself. 

I spent my 20’s trying to figure out who I was, what my place in the world was, and I never really did suss it out.  I built a group of friends, a circle of people who became incestuous amongst them without my involvement, and I finally had to leave the city to get away from them.  They’re all still there too, two decades later.  No, they’re not still involved with each other, each has moved on to their own situation, some married, some left completely, some are still revolving around the same circles, endlessly moving around the same diameter not growing, just doing.  I miss the camaraderie, I miss the people, but not the situations.  I go back once or twice a year to keep in touch, but its not the same, I don’t feel the same connections.  They aren’t as strong.  I miss having those close friendships where you can tell people anything, but isn’t that what I pay a therapist for now?

“Women are not human,” says the roach-typewriter.  I wish I could believe this.  Women are human, I think all too much so.  Perhaps believing that they aren’t human allows some men to do the things that they do to women.  My wife believes that I have done grievous harm to her over the 12 years we were married.  Perhaps I did.  It doesn’t matter anymore, what is done is done.  I know this truly and unequivocally.  My marriage is over.  I have regrets of course, but not enough to hold me back from moving forward.

You may ask, do I want to get married again?  Perhaps.  I wouldn’t rule it out.  If the right person came along, if the stars, moon and sun aligned properly, I wouldn’t say no.  I would make every effort to make it work a second time around.  But it’s not something that I need to seek out currently. 

Perhaps this is all just a dream and I will awake at some other place and time, not knowing or caring what reality is or was, or whatever.

“I must be hallucinating.  Everybody blacks out in Interzone.  Wouldn’t you?”  Bill Lee – Naked Lunch – Written and directed by David Cronenberg – 1991.

"Go see the fucking parrots Kiki, I've got to take a piss..."

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

I need a win

You know, with the shit I've had to put up with over the last 12 months, I could really, really use a break. I mean really use a break. It's like whatever powers that be are out there, be it God, or Buddha, or Shiva, or Allah, or whomever just said "Hey Will Noetling we're going to push you to the brink of breaking and see just how much shit we can shovel down your throat." Yeah, maybe we were choosing between a douche and a turd sandwich, but dammit, it wasn't just that, not only will we have a douche as a president, but a Congress and Senate that has sat on their ass for 8 years and now is being rewarded for blocking everything that President Obama has tried to do. I'm praying for a miracle. Yes, I AM PRAYING. I'm praying for not just this stupid election, but for my future to be brighter than what it has been. I just can't take much more crap. I really can't. I need a new place to live. I need a job. I need something to look forward to, and it can't be a movie, or a book, or something in the media. It has to be something great.

I have NOTHING great in my life except for my beautiful child. She's keeping me going, but how do I look her in the eye and tell her that the future is looking good with an election like this? She followed it closely, she paid attention and she made up her own mind about Donald Trump. She wanted me to make sure I didn't vote for Trump. Come on. I really need a win. I haven't won in forever. At best I've been treading water. I don't think anyone really knows how much I've just been hanging on by a thread with the Sword of Damocles hanging right above me. Last October my life turned to shit. In the last 12 months I've lost my wife, my apartment and my job. In two weeks I'm going to lose the shit-box of a house that we're currently staying in. In two months I lose my unemployment insurance. I've been humbled by the amount of love and support that I've received from friends and family. I just don't know how much longer I can keep holding on. I had such hope that today we would be making history by electing the first woman to the Oval Office, instead we are electing a racist, misognystic douchebag who has never held political office, and on top of that we're giving him a house and senate that will rubber stamp everything he wants. If you wanted a white country where white men rule, you got it. I am actually crying right now. My heart is broken and my will is at its nadir. I need a miracle, right damn now.

Election Night 2016

I first blogged on the US Presidential election in 2000 and I followed that up in 2004 and of course the halcyon days of 2008 when we all felt President Elect Obama offered hope and change.  I didn't blog in 2012.

Tonight we will see history being made, if Hillary Rodham Clinton doesn't get elected I predict that Trump will be indicted before the year's end.  We could even see him up on trial for rape charges.

It's an exciting night that has seen fivethirtyeight.com's predictions swing a good 5 points back and forth for Clinton.  She's still got a 75% chance of winning, but that's down from 78% just an hour ago.


I sure hope it's not a repeat of 2000.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Musings at the Coffee House.

I am sitting at Simply Coffee in Burbank in the corner seat watching people walk by and nominally outlining my time-travel murder mystery story that I've had percolating for a little while.  I've got the whole thing mapped out in my head, I just have to get the structure down and then start writing it.  Trying a new tactic.  Usually I just sit and start writing, and I've found that doesn't really work.  I end up with a lot of first chapters and nothing else.

I'm not sure if this will end up being a novel or a screenplay.  I'm sort of leaning towards the latter since Time-Travel stories are sort of in right now, and this one has a twist of course.  It's not anything especially earth-shattering.  I want it to have a noir/Blade-Runner feel, but also with a 30's detective vibe crossed with a BBC Police Procedural, sort of set in the apocalypse aftermath with megadomes replacing cities.  Ambitious?  Mish-mash?  Maybe.

I should do the crossword.

Took less than 10 minutes.  I still got it. Used my new Lego Pen
These days I usually do the LA Times crossword online when I remember.  I still can't do the NY Times.  I have finished one or two in the past, perhaps I should start trying again.  We'll see, I need to get back into it though, I'm kind of rusty.  In fact I think I got the bottom right corner wrong.

This is what I awoke to this morning.  I actually got to bed pretty early last night.  My sleep app Pillow said I fell asleep by midnight and I only awoke once at 3:14 AM for 8 minutes.  Not bad.  Not great.

I'm not sure what keeping track of my sleep is supposed to accomplish, but I'm game to learn how to use my phone in new and interesting manners.  

I think Oliver might not be feeling all that well, he slept next to Kaylee all night, and he never does that, and he's been extra whiney when I wake him up.

Last night I dreamt that I was living in a house out in the middle of a large field that got used for some kind of carnival.  For some reason it was Christmas time and lights were everywhere.  Then I was on board the USS Enterprise as captain of the ship.  Our phasers were locked on target, but I don't know who we were fighting.  Probably Klingons.

Dreams are weird.

I need a coffee refill, but I don't have any cash, and I hate putting only $1 on a credit card.  Maybe I'll get a better drink.

This whole hanging out at a coffee house thing is new to me.

As is selling digital trading cards on eBay, but I'm doing it.  Last night the 10 cc (card count) Lime Green John Cena card that I was awarded for being one of the top 10 coin acquirers in last weeks' Topps WWE SLAM Tapjoy contest sold for $95!  For a DIGITAL CARD!  I wouldn't have bought it for that much, but hey, I'm glad someone else did.  I've paid a few bucks for cards here and there, mostly from money I've acquired selling other cards.

The story gets weirder though, the guy who bought the card is a member of Pojo, where I'm still a moderator.  Well OK, I'm a moderator again.  I was the grand-poo-bah super-moderator of the place from about 1998 to 2004 and was a real hard-ass. I finally got fed up with the hatred and quit.  I stayed away for quite some time, but I could never really leave permanently.  Anyway, Bill, the owner, asked if I wanted to come back as mod a few years ago, and I said yes, but with far less power and responsibility.  Anyway, some kid got caught trying to trade cards when he was trade banned for something he did 5 year ago. That's a pretty egregious violation of the rules, so his account was banned.  He pleaded and pleaded and whined and created new accounts trying to get his account back.  In the end, he bought my $95 card on eBay and asked if I would see what I could do about getting his account back.  Well someone bribes me for $95 when I'm broke as hell, sure I'll grease the wheels, I'm not above reproach.  And well, he got his account back this morning.  Again I no longer have direct control over these matters, I leave that to the other mods.  But they all pretty much respect me, and when I advocate for someone being unbanned, they tend to listen, because I don't do it very much.

Get this, the kid then traded the card BACK to me for nothing.  So basically I can sell it again and I'm ahead like $80 for the whole deal.  Life is strange.  I feel good about it though.  There's no reason why the kid can't have his account, Bill is always advocating for peeps to get second chances. So why not him?

I mean this is America, the LAND of second chances.  We all deserve one.  Even OJ Simpson.  (Btw I don't think he actually did it, I think it was his son, but I digress).

Who am I kidding this entire post is a digression.

This entire year has been a digression from my previous life.  Everything had fallen apart and now I'm rebuilding.  Besides trying to find gainful employment and being Kaylee's "Learning Coach" I'm also endeavoring to wean myself off of my SSRIs.  I was taking a combo of Lexapro and Welbutrin daily I was able to get through life pretty well.  I did notice that despite my mellowness I had virtually no ambition, and when you add a ton of MMJ to the mix, well it's not a recipe for success.  I'm successfully off of the Welbutrin and I'm down to 5 mg of the Lexapro daily.  My patience with Kaylee is waning, but I'm really making a concerted effort not to allow it to affect me too badly, or affect her too greatly either.  She doesn't deserve to be treated poorly just because Daddy isn't taking his happy pills.  I do need a break from her though, and those often make me feel better towards her.  She's just difficult to deal with on a regular basis like any child is to their parents.  She's got to concentrate on her spelling, math and writing skills.  Like almost every child.

I've been off of MMJ since March.  Sure I will still partake occasionally, but not daily as I had been, and not to the extent I was using previously either.  And when I say occasionally it's more like once in a blue moon.  I have begun to imbibe the occasional adult beverage roughly once a week or so, and not to the extent of my 20's either.  I guess abstaining for over a decade will allow one to learn how to drink RESPONSIBLY, as if that is really a thing.  Sure made Happy Hours fun though.

In my 20's I could easily drink a lot, a six pack of beer was no problem, neither was 6 or 7 mixed drinks.  At my peak I could go on red bull and vodka for an entire night.  That led to my fatty liver diagnosis at age 31 and my reason for abstaining for over 10 years.  Solid.

My coworkers at Card.com were a bunch of youngsters who liked to party, and for over a year I didn't really party with them, but as my personal life started to implode, I started to look for ways to be more social so that I could still have a semblance of being a well-rounded extravert rather than just another INTJ like so many of the millennials.  I'm not a millennial, and I'm not an I on the meyers-briggs.  I just took another test and today I'm ENFP [Extravert(47%)  iNtuitive(38%)  Feeling(6%)  Perceiving(16%)]  Go figure.  Apparently I'm a “CAMPAIGNER.  ENFP (-A/-T) Enthusiastic, creative and sociable free spirits, who can always find a reason to smile."

Well, I do try.

I owe the coffee shop a dollar.

Monday, June 6, 2016

"The Resurrection of Jake the Snake Roberts" - Documentary on Netflix

I just finished watching "The Resurrection of Jake the Snake Roberts" - I HIGHLY recommend this documentary on how one can fight their demons successfully. Alcoholism and drug addiction touch too many of our lives, friends and loved ones. I don't care if you love wrestling or hate it, watch this show. It's on Netflix now. I never much cared for Snake's character wrestling wise, and I always thought he was just another broken down wrestler who was put through the grindstone that breaks down so many of those performers, but man, I'm a fan now. And Diamond Dallas Page, I was ALWAYS a big fan, but man that guy, he's the cream of the crop. He's loyal, caring and the most motivating person I've seen in a long time. Heck I might have to try DDP yoga.


Thursday, April 21, 2016

The Oatmeal said "I'm starting to think 2016 was written by George R.R. Martin"

Dearly Beloved
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called Life
Electric World Life that means forever
And that's a mighty long time
But I mean to tell you
There's something else
The afterworld
A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the Sun
Day or Night
SO when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one
Doctor Everything'll be all right
Instead of ask him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind
'Cause in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own
And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go Crazy
Punch a higher floor

RIP Prince. You are truly in the afterworld, and hopefully things are much easier

Last night after I mourned the Kings losing 3-2 to the Sharkies in Game 4 of the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs I discovered that former WWE Superstar and lately Adult Film Actress Chyna (aka Chyna Doll, real name Joanie Laurer) had passed at age 46.

Deaths come in threes supposedly, this made the third wrestling related death in the past few weeks; former ECW Original Balls Mahoney (real name Jonathan Rechner) passed at age 44 on April 12, and wrestling legend Blackjack Mulligan (real name Robert Windham) passed at age 73 on April 7.  Mulligan may not be as well known to modern audiences, but he was the father of Barry Windham and Step-Father to Mike Rotunda (Irwin R. Shyster/VK Wallstreet) and grand-father of Bray Wyatt and Bo Dallas.

The list of celebrities who have passed so far this year is too long

Doris Roberts
Merle Haggard
Patty Duke
Garry Shandling
Nancy Reagan
Pat Conroy
George Kennedy
Maurice White
Paul Kantner
Glenn Frey
Dan Haggerty
Alan Rickman
Richard Libertini
Angus Scrimm
Pat Harrington Jr
David Bowie
Abe Vigoda
Antonin Scalia
George Gaynes
Umberto Eco
Frank Sinatra Jr
Larry Drake
Joe Garagiola
Ken Howard
Gareth Thomas

That's an awful lot of people.  In the grand scheme of things, it's not that many, over 150,000 people die each and every day (in contract 360,000 are born each day, so every 5 days or so the world population grows by a million people.)

But that's an awful lot of people who had an impact on my and other people's lives.

Prince dying is especially sad, like Alan Rickman, David Bowie and Umberto Eco, he impacted me personally.  I never cared for ALL of his music, but some of his songs are amongst my all-time favorites.

Such as "Let's Go Crazy", "Purple Rain", "Raspberry Beret" and "1999"

Monday, April 18, 2016

Things to Let Go Of

Today I am reminded of a few things that one should let go in order to be happy.    Some here: http://yoganonymous.com/10-things-you-should-give-up-to-be-happy

1.     The Need for Control – This one has been difficult for me, especially as it pertains to other people’s behavior.  I cannot control anyone else or anything else, all I can do is control my own behavior and responses.  I cannot make anyone else happy, they have to do that for themselves.
2.     The Need to be Right – I think as a youth I came off as a “knowitall”.  Actually I don’t think, I KNOW I did.  Irony thy name is William.  I’m not sure when it finally kicked in, maybe it was during my early 20’s when I had career changes.  Maybe it wasn’t until my 30’s.  Either way, I understand now that I do not know everything in the universe, that no one does, and that in life you will be wrong more often than you will be right.  In any case, that self-realization was critical to my personal growth.  I no longer need to be right.  Sometimes I just need to be heard.
3.     Give up Criticism of Self and Others/Complaining – The other day I shared an article (https://www.scienceandnonduality.com/the-science-of-happiness-why-complaining-is-literally-killing-you/) about how Complaining is scientifically bad for your health.  It resonated with a number of people and really explained why complaints will damage your body which then damages the psyche.  The first part, criticism of self and others, that can be a tricky subject to tackle.  First it’s incumbent on a person to realize that it’s not their responsibility to judge anyone else’s choices or lifestyle.  If you take the adage “live and let live” to heart, then why would you criticize a friend or loved one over their personal choices?  It makes no sense at all.  What do you achieve by being critical of someone else?  You make enemies out of friends.  You impose your will on other people.  Who does that?  Tyrants.  Dictators.  Rulers.  Assholes.
4.     Need for people to understand you/acknowledge you – This is another very dodgy subject for most, because human nature dictates that we want to be understood by our peers, and at a bare minimum we want to be acknowledged.  It’s difficult to let go of this and achieve what a Buddhist would call Nirvana (“a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents the final goal of Buddhism.”)  At a base level though, this combined with #5 will allow a much broader perspective on life.  Basically it boils down to the attitude of “who cares if what I’m doing is right or wrong.  As long as I’m happy, what does it matter.”
5.     Desire to be liked/need to impress others/ Trying to please others – This is a never-ending cycle of self-destruction.  By placing your personal validation in the hands of other people you short-change your own value.  Your beliefs and actions do not become your own, and you live for others only.  Live for yourself and yourself alone.  Once you can achieve happiness without the need for others approval you will be able to navigate the difficulties of life with a much broader scope and ease.
6.     Resistance to Change - Heraclitus of Ephesus (535 bc to 475 bc) said πάντα χωρεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει or Everything changes and nothing stands still.  This is as true now as it was then.  We fear change, men fear change more than women it appears.  I know I fear change and embrace the status quo more than most.  I was afraid of the changes in my personal life over the last six months and as a result my family and personal growth suffered immensely, as did the people surrounding me.  The one constant in the universe is change, entropy or whatever you want to call it.  Why fear that which is inevitable?  That is a sure sign of a weak mind and destructive behavior.  It leads to inertia, which is the death of everything.  Had I not feared change so much I might have been able to better cope with the personal difficulties I faced over the last several months, and in fact once I did embrace the change I was able to better understand its necessity.
7.     Attachment to the past/Dwelling on the Past – You cannot change what has been done.  It’s done.  Wasting energy on the past is a futile endeavor.  Regret is a killer.  The only facet of the past that is at all relevant is to discover how you might have acted different to avoid the same pratfalls in the future.  But even then, too much dwelling on the past creates obstacles that cannot be overcome easily.  The capability of being able to move on from ones mistakes is not inherent in human nature.  It is a part of our body chemistry, a part of our brain patterns that have been forged over time.  George Santanyana said “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it” and while this is wholly accurate, too much rememberance of things past cannot possible be healthy.
8.     Worrying about the future – The only time that really matters is the present.  We cannot know what the future will bring, we think we can project what might happen, but in the end we just do not know, nor can we know.  The constant change in our world means that our lives can end in a blink of an eye, or change dramatically.  On June 6, 2000 I went to Disneyland with my family (my Mom, Step-Father and Step-Sister).  I couldn’t possibly see that the next day I would meet the woman I would marry.  Extrapolating on that, I cannot possibly imagine what might happen tomorrow, though there are some possible certainties.  I will most likely awake between 7:30 AM and 7:40 AM, I will most likely drive to work to arrive by 8:00 AM.  I will work all day, I will order lunch for the office.   I will work out at the gym after work.  I will drive home and eat dinner.  These are the most probable things that will happen tomorrow.  But any one of those actions may not come to pass.  I might get ill tonight and not go to work tomorrow.  I might get hit by a bus walking across the street.  I might get into a car accident and wake up in the hospital.  The point is, the future is unknown.  The past cannot be changed.  The only time that truly, truly matters is right now.
9.     Distractions – I will admit that I am easily distracted by shiny objects – SQUIRREL!  New things give me a momentary burst of happiness.  I used to enjoy acquiring new objects.  All of these are distractions from my real purpose.  All of them are limiting in that my true goals cannot be accomplished easily.  I set out this weekend to start a new book, but I got distracted by my fatigue.  I wanted to ensure my laundry got done this weekend, and I did so, but delayed because again, fatigue.  I would have liked to have risen earlier on Sunday morning to have the remainder of the day to play with Kaylee at the park.  I allowed myself to sleep more than I should have.  Instead of beginning that book after I dropped Kaylee off at my Mom’s I decided to watch the remainder of the Powers TV show. 
10. Limiting Beliefs - What are these?  Simply put “Limiting beliefs are those which constrain us in some way. Just by believing them, we do not think, do or say the things that they inhibit. And in doing so we impoverish our lives.  We may have beliefs about rights, duties, abilities, permissions and so on. Limiting beliefs are often about our selves and our self-identity. The beliefs may also be about other people and the world in general.” http://changingminds.org/explanations/belief/limiting_beliefs.htm  I have tried to instill in Kaylee that the word “can’t” doesn’t exist.  There shouldn’t be anything she cannot accomplish given enough effort.  Certainly there are biological and physical limitations on human beings, for example a man cannot bear children (though a trans-man can).  Superman does not exist, humans cannot fly on their own.  That said, within those limits, one should be able to accomplish what they set out to do, and the self-limitation that you can’t do it is one that will most certainly destroy a person from the inside.  My own personal example is that my fiction writing will never be good enough to be published.  I have felt this from a very young age, probably when I first started to write stories and was getting encouragement.  This one simple self-limitation has brought me nothing but heartache and pain.  It has crippled my sense of self-worth and perhaps affected my marriage to an extent.  This is the one thing I need to be working on the most.

11. Blaming Others – Finally, the ultimate cop-out, blaming other people for your own unhappiness.  This behavior is simply unsustainable for mental and physical health.  You must be able to reconcile your own actions and their outcomes without the outside interference of anyone or anything else.  Combined with the realization that you cannot control other people’s actions you must be able to understand that your actions cannot be controlled by others as well.  Your own happiness must come from within.  Taking responsibility for your own happiness and your own actions is the key.  Once you do that you will be farther along the road of life.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Wrestling Memories

It’s Wrestlemania Week, which is sort of like Superbowl Week in that the WWE is throwing itself a huge party to celebrate the 32nd edition of the grand-daddy of all Pay Per Views (though it wasn’t the first WWF PPV, that would  be THE WRESTLING CHALLENGE, available on the WWE Network for only $9.99 a month).

Today I’ll look back at my in-person memories, perhaps later in the week I’ll post about my love of the sports-entertainment genre and my favorite wrestlers, and then a post about this year’s big event and NXT show, which in my mind is going to outclass the main show.

As much as I love wrestling I’ve only ever been to three live events.  I’ve met more than my fair share of wrestlers though, the ones that I can remember are Ultimate Warrior, Rob Van Dam and Vampiro.  Warrior was pretty crazy at the SDCC the year his comic came out, and he really seemed like he was living his gimmick.

The three live events I saw in person were a “House Show” in the late 80’s, I won tickets off the radio and took my Grandfather, because he was the one who instilled my love of wrestling.

Here’s the card and results:
San Diego Sports Arena – September 16, 1989

  1. Boris Zhukov defeats Mark Young
  2. Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect - Draw 
  3. WWF Intercontinental Title Match - The Ultimate Warrior (c) defeats Andre The Giant
  4. WWF World Tag Team Title Match - Demolition (Ax & Smash) defeat The Brain Busters (c) (Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard) by DQ
  5. Dino Bravo defeats Jim Neidhardt
  6. Akeem defeats Hillbilly Jim
  7. Dusty Rhodes defeats The Big Boss Man

I still own the program complete with hand-written results.  Though I think it’s in my storage unit.

I also saw a RAW at Staples Center in 1999.  It was the one where Stephanie McMahon and Test (the late Andrew Martin) were supposed to get married.  Despite being memorable show, the in-ring product was kind of stale.

Here’s that card:
WWF Raw is WAR
Staples Center, Los Angeles CA 
November 29, 1999

  1. Big Boss Man & Viscera d. Kane & The Big Show (Viscera pinned Kane after interference by X-Pac)
  2. Edge pinned Matt Hardy both Christian and Jeff Hardy interfered                 
  3. Steve Blackman pinned The Godfather                                        
  4. Grandmaster Sexay & Scotty 2 Hotty pinned Crash Holly & Hardcore Holly (Brian Lawler pinned Crash Holly)
  5. Test pinned Triple H (Shane McMahon interfered)                    
  6. Kurt Angle pinned Val Venis (British Bulldog interfered)                                  
  7. Billy Gunn & Road Dogg & X-Pac Def. Mankind & The Rock + Mystery Partner (Kane) via DQ when Al Snow jumped in the ring to fight DX

There was a bachelorette party for Stephanie that ran through the show and had some of the non-ring performers doing what they do.  Mae Young and Moolah were there as comic relief.  It was pathetic. 

Finally I went to Wrestlemania 2000 at the Anaheim “Pond” or whatever they’re calling it now.  Despite the fact that there were zero regular singles matches (the only 1-1 was a ‘catfight’ between Terri Runnels and “The Kat” Stacy Carter referred by Val Venis), it was a great show, with two really memorable matches that hold up today.

Wrestlemania 2000
Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim
April 2, 2000

1. Big Boss Man & Bull Buchanan D. D-Lo Brown & The Godfather (with Ice-T) at 09:05.  Bossman pinned D-Lo.

2. 15 Minute Hardcore Title Battle Royale –Crash Holly (c), Hardcore Holly, Tazz, Viscera, Pete Gas, Rodney, Joey Abs, Hardcore Holly, TAKA Michinoku, Funaki, Mosh, Thrasher, Faarooq, Bradshaw.  Any pin counted as a title change, and I used to have a listing of all of them.  Fortunately the Internet comes in handy.

a.     Defending Champion Crash Holly pinned by Tazz :27
b.     Tazz pinned by Viscera at 1:01 (34 seconds)
c.      Viscera pinned by Funaki at 7:19 (6 minutes 18 seconds)
d.     Funaki pinned by Rodney at 8:10 (51 seconds)
e.     Rodney pinned by Joey Abs at 8:25 (15 seconds)
f.      Joey Abs pinned by Thrasher at 8:46 (21 seconds)
g.     Thrasher pinned by Pete Gas at 9:23 (37 seconds)
h.     Pete Gas pinned by Tazz at 10:21 (58 seconds)
i.       Tazz pinned by Crash Holly at 14:28 (3 minutes 7 seconds)
j.       Crash Holly pinned by Hardcore Holly at 14:59  (31 seconds) to become the final champion.
I do think 15 seconds is the record for shortest title reign in WWE history

3. Albert & Test (with Trish Stratus) Def. Al Snow & Steve Blackman (w/Chester McCheeserton) 07:05 Test pinned Blackman

4. Triple Threat Ladder Match for the WWF Tag Team Titles - Christian & Edge Def. Jeff Hardy & Matt Hardy, Bubba Ray Dudley (C) & D-Von Dudley (C) 22:29        

5. "Catfight” - Terri Runnels (w/The Fabulous Moolah) Def. The Kat (w/Mae Young) 02:25   Referee: Val Venis

6. Inter-Gender 6 Person Tag - Chyna & Grandmaster Sexay & Scotty 2 Hotty Def. Dean Malenko & Eddie Guerrero & Perry Saturn 09:39 Chyna pinned Eddie Guerrer

7. Triple Threat Intercontinental Title Match - Chris Benoit Pinned Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle (C) 07:54

8. Triple Threat European Title Match – Chris Jericho Pinned Chris Benoit, Kurt Angel (C) 5:41

9. Kane & Rikishi (w/Paul Bearer) Def Road Dogg & X-Pac (w/Tori) 04:16  Kane pinned X-Pac. 

10. Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match for the WWF World Heavyweight Title Triple H (C) (w/Stephanie McMahon) retained at 36:28 over Big Show (w/Shane McMahon), Mick Foley (w/Linda McMahon) and The Rock (w/Vince McMahon). 

a.     Rock Eliminated Big Show at 4:49,
b.     Triple H pinned Mick Foley (career ending) at 19:40
c.      Triple H pinned the Rock at 36:28 after Vince turns on The Rock.

The highlight of the show is obviously the triple threat Ladder Match for the tag titles, during which Jeff Hardy seriously injured himself after the highest swanton bomb ever performed.  I also really enjoyed the 2 falls Triple Threat Intercontinental/European title match where Kurt Angle came in with two belts and left with none, despite not getting pinned.

The main event was a huge let-down though.  All the smart money had The Rock coming out as Champion, but in a last second swerve, Mr. McMahon turned on the Rock and Triple H became the one and only Heel champion to walk out of Wrestlemania with his belt. 

Will history repeat itself and will Trips walk out of this year’s event with his title?  Doubtful.  Roman Reigns seems to have been hand-picked by the WWE brass, even though the fans are turning against him more and more each day.