Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Moving on out, but not up

Chemically men are at base level fearful of change. Our evolution has only strengthened this instinct. Once we build something we don't like to modify it or tear it down, and thus when we are confronted with drastic change it affects us in a much more problematic way than it does women. I believe that Women are much more adaptable to change because of their natural instincts and evolutionary patterns. We are led to believe that women desire security above all else, and are adaptable to those who offer that security.

Despite knowing these maxims, it doesn't make it any easier to make drastic changes in one's life, whether you're male or female. The stress caused by modifications in one's routine is far more pronounced in men than women, but the loss of security that change causes in women can be just as stressful, though it manifests in different ways.

I am extremely optimistic that the changes that are currently happening in my personal life will be for the best for everyone involved. I have to believe this, because otherwise the fatalistic prediction will become reality and that is something I cannot fathom at this point in time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I'm stressed and anxious about moving out and being on my own for the first time in over a decade, I know in my heart that it's a requirement for growth and a prerequisite for reconciliation. But the thing is, with all that knowledge, it doesn't make the day-to-day grind any easier. And the next few months of my life will most likely be the most challenging I've faced thus far.

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I have leased a room that is 5 minutes away from my work. It's a dump. I'd show pictures, but frankly I'm a bit embarrassed. I certainly won't be bringing home any "dates" should I decide to even test those waters. I'll be moving this weekend.

As you can read from above I'm anxious and scared. A bit excited, but tempering that as well. I'm seriously optimistic for a reconciliation and a long life with the person who brings me the most joy, the most sadness; she brings out the best and worst in me, and despite everything that has happened, I still love her with all my heart and soul. She is my one and only soul-mate and I cringe when I think about how I have treated her in the first 12 years of our marriage. I can only promise that should we reconcile I will make every effort to no longer be a shitty husband.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Chhh...chhh...chh Changes

Turn and face the strange...


My wife and I are entering a trial separation beginning later this month.  This fills me with dread and makes me depressed.  Thankfully I have therapy to get through.  I haven't been "single" for 15 years, and I haven't had a roommate in 17 years.

My goal is to become a stronger person, to heal, to be more independent and less co-dependent.  Also to give her time and space for perspective.  I am hoping that it will result in us coming back together stronger and with more respect for one another.

I do not know what my wife's goals are.

I just want to stop being a ball of emotions that cries at the littlest thing.  That said I should go into acting because I can cry on cue now.