Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Why am I so Emotional?

Males are taught, mostly by their fathers, not to show emotion.  At least in Western Culture that's the paradigm.  I don't remember my father crying much, the rare occasions that I did were important and I remember them vividly.  The day John Lennon died in December 1980 was one such moment.

I've cried a lot over the last year.  Over a great many things.  My marriage, my being alone, the emotions that come over me when watching something particularly filled with gravitas on TV, and sometimes just being with my beautiful daughter makes me cry.

I've been thinking about death a lot this year.  Sometimes wishing it would come to me to end this cycle of pain.  I won't lie, I wanted to die on more than one occasion this year.  I thought about killing myself.  I planned on how to do it.  But I didn't go beyond that.  I have a lot to live for.  I have a daughter who relies on me to be her Daddy, and I want to see her grow up.  I couldn't take my own life and cause the huge amount of emotional pain to my loved ones.

My path is not clear.  But it certainly seems to be better than the alternative.  So I sally forth.

Really I'm OK.

I'm hanging in.

Monday, December 26, 2016

Farewell to 2016

I can honestly say that 2016 was the worst year of my entire life.  So many negatives happened this year that makes my previous worst year (1987, the year my Father Gene Noetling died) pale in comparison.

So for those of you catching up, here's a brief recap of just my personal woes:

*  My marriage ended up in separation and we're now divorcing leading to severe depression that I needed to have weekly therapy to get over.
*  We ended up getting evicted, losing the trial even though we had solid evidence that the landlords failed to follow the statute of the law and should not have been
*  I moved into a shit-hole of a house that needed to be condemned and is actually now being torn down.  The best part was that it was 5 minutes from my job.  Actually that was the only good part.
*  Our daughter was supposed to go live with her Mom at the beginning of the separation ended up spending the last few months of her 4th grade year with my Mom and Step-Father (though this isn't necessarily a bad thing per se)
*  I was laid off from my job on July 1, and have not been able to get reemployed
*  Our daughter had to come live with me full-time after 2 weeks with her Mom and 3 weeks with her Grandmother in Utah.  Again, not that this is a bad thing per se, I love having her with me.
*  My daughter and I were forced to move from our shithole house when it turned out the landlord wanted to tear it down. Finding a new place was two months of stress and worry.

With all that out of the way, Kaylee and I are now in a new apartment in North Hollywood, and Kaylee has her own bedroom for the first time ever in her life.  Yes, that means I sleep in the living room, but it was important to me that Kaylee's needs are taken care of first at this critical stage in her life.  She just turned 10 and I can sense that puberty is not far off.  She's even starting to wear sports-bras.

My unemployment insurance is running out next month, but my family is supporting us for the time-being.  The first part of Kaylee's 5th grade was done at California Virtual Academy online, but now she's going to go back to regular school near our residence, so I can actually go job searching in earnest.  I'm confident that a new gig will come shortly and if nothing else I can always drive delivery or Uber/Lyft.

I'm not even going to comment on all the negatives that happened in the rest of the world, with all the celebrities passing away and Brexit/US Election nonsense.  I'm still hopeful that 2017 will be better.  It's not like it can get worse.