Christmas Eve, 2017
You know, I've just about had it with the Holidays this year. Thank god it's over tomorrow. Really not feeling very Christmasy, sure it's slightly better than last year and 2018 looks good for us so far, but I have a bratty child (who I might add is having her first period this week, but that doesn't excuse the consistent behavior issues) who I have implored to clean up her room and start going through her toys. She’d rather just sit around and watch TV or do nothing. So I sent her to her room.
I’m really not feeling it this year yet again. I’m not sure I ever will feel in the Christmas spirit ever again. So much of the holiday in the past was wrapped up in how Melissa felt about it, and how she would try to make the best of it when we had nothing. And when we had something it was even better. Too many reminders of Christmas trips to Orem, or Las Vegas back in the day.
Tomorrow I have nothing planned. I can’t go to my Mom’s because they're all sick. At least I have presents for Kaylee.
I’ve been working as much as I have been able to do so. My groin are was feeling better this week so I didn’t go to DPSS last Monday like I said I was going to. I postponed until Wednesday when I’d be on the West Side for my weekly work meeting, but that got cancelled. So I didn’t go at all. If I can last another month or so maybe I’ll get hired and get benefits so I won’t have to go. When that’s your best case scenario, shit is fucked. This is all because I still have no Medi-Cal benefits. I called and spent over an hour on the phone trying to find out why and they said I had to go into DPSS which is on the West Side.
Melissa can’t come see Kaylee tomorrow because the car that she and her friend bought still isn’t working right and they don’t have any other transportation. She asked if I would bring Kaylee to her, and I ranted that I wasn’t about to do anything for anyone right now and that’s how I started writing this entry.
So let’s take stock of where we’re at right now shall we?
I’m working full time on a project that is supposed to end at the end of the month, which is on Friday of this week. Fortunately the CEO likes me and wants to keep me on board as admin or office manager or some other role. Not really sure, but it looks like I’ll have gainful employment for at least January (1 month trial he said). I can pay my own rent in January, and my bills if I continue to work full time. With this next paycheck and a little more from the one I should get the first week of January rent is paid. Also Mom said she'd send her to day camp and we decided on the first week of January, so that's a plus.
My lease goes month-to-month on the first as well, so I can move with a 30 day notice, which is good because I may need to move back to the West Side if this becomes permanent employment. Of course I’ll still need help with the lease situation wherever I move to. But it’s a start. I’d like to get out of here and leave the bugs behind.
Kaylee has attended school for 5 days in December due to the weird fires that happened earlier this month. This has put a huge strain on me personally because having her around means I’m distracted and cannot function at a maximum rate of speed. Also means I have to deal with feeding her two more meals a day, and keeping her occupied while I try to work, which is not an easy task.
She got her first period on Wednesday of this last week, it’s Sunday now and she’s still bleeding I think. I’m so frustrated with her though, it makes me see red. She didn’t save any of her allowance money to buy me or anyone else any Christmas presents and didn’t even think about it. When she went with my Mom and Nicole and Lana on Wednesday to get fitted for her first bras, I went and bought her Christmas presents because I wasn’t going to have the time to do so later. I wrapped them and put them under our little Christmas tree and that’s ALL she has been focusing on for the last several days. I get it, she’s still a kid, but she has no consideration for me or anyone else right now and that has me feeling terrible.
We just went to the grocery store, she wanted a Hot Wheels Peanuts car (Sally I think) and I bought it for her, because I was hoping she’d take her allowance and try to buy something for me or her mom. Nope. Didn’t even cross her mind.
We get back and I try to eat my lunch and start working, and she asks if she can turn on the TV, and I said I guess, but I’d rather you go in and clean your room or organize your toys like I’ve been asking. She thinks a second and then says “what do you want to watch?” AND that’s when I lost it. If I had wanted to watch TV I would have turned it on myself Kaylee. I’m trying to work right now and I don’t care what you watch, but if you don’t have anything in mind, then get up and go in your room and clean it up like I’ve been telling you to do.
Then I started ranting about how much of a spoiled brat she’s been all week, that she hasn’t been thinking of anyone but herself, that she has done the bare minimum over the last several weeks and how disappointed I am with her. If she's not on her tablet, it's her computer. Unless I ban her from both, then and only then does she do something constructive.
I’ve failed as a parent. I’ve failed as a husband. I’ve failed as a human being. Right now I just feel like a fucking failure. I know why there are so many suicides around the holidays. Holidays suck. I don’t want to hear any Christmas music. I don’t want to watch any Christmas specials or movies. I just want it to be over already. I want to get back to work on my project which is kicking my ass and stressing me out.
Even my poor cat is stressing me out. It started when I decided to get a cheap screen door ($10 – the mesh magnetic kind you see on tv) and let Oliver outside every so often. I got him a collar with a name tag so he wouldn’t get lost. He got irritated with the collar so much that he started scratching all around his head and neck to the point where he looked terrible. So I bought him a cone of shame and he’s been in it for the last couple weeks. He’s almost all healed up, but he persists on trying to scratch his head through the plastic cone and makes a terrible noise at all hours of the night. That’s when he’s not all over me for affection.
So yeah, humbug. The only good thing about tomorrow is I get to watch Peter Capaldi as Doctor Who one more time.